Last week I told you the 5 times when you shouldn’t ever say NO to your daughter. Lest you think me one of those super soft mammas that give in to my precious baby’s every single whim, here is today’s blog post: “Don’t Ever Say Yes to Your Daughter.”
As moms we can become too hard-hearted and tell our daughter no too often, but we can swing the pendulum the other way and tell her yes too often for her good too. Here are 5 times that you shouldn’t ever say YES to your daughter.
When she wants you to be her friend. I always thought I would be the cool mom—the one all the friends wanted to hang around. While I want to be kind to my daughter and her friends, and it is fine to joke around with them, I can now see how important it is for my daughter to have friends other than me. I am her mom, which means sometimes I have to say no because I can see things from a perspective that she doesn’t have yet. If I am too worried about our friendship to ever tell her no, then I have focused too much on being a friend and not enough on being a mother.
When she wants to spend money she doesn’t have. “I promise I will pay you back.” How many times have you heard that one? She is at the mall and sees a pair of jeans she just has to have, but she doesn’t quite have enough allowance left to buy it. You have a choice here mamma, and what you choose to do will set the path for your entire relationship. You can give in and loan her money for the jeans and hope she is responsible enough to pay you back. Or you can do the more difficult thing and tell her she has to earn the money first. Why would I encourage you to have her earn the money first? Because I have seen scores of college students have to drop out of college because they abused their credit cards and couldn’t afford to stay at school. Credit is extremely easy to get in this world, but to protect your daughter and teach her responsible money management, she has to learn that she shouldn’t buy things she doesn’t have the money for. This hurts to see her crushed face, but remember, those jeans will be there in a few weeks, but the financial lesson will last a lifetime.
When she is being mean to someone. Preteen and teenage girls can be mean. We all know it. And we all think it is someone else’s daughter and not our own. But sometimes it is our own. If your daughter is bullying or ostracizing someone or just plain being mean, then you need to step in and tell her it is not ok. She will have a good reason for the bad behavior. You need to help her see the situation through different eyes. Allowing other children to be hurt or embarrassed at the hands of your daughter is not ok, so don’t ever tell your daughter yes in that situation.
When she tries to manipulate you. “Please, please, please, please.” Has your daughter ever begged you for something? Maybe it was a friend to come over or a toy at the store. It is so much easier to give in just to stop the begging and avoid the inevitable pouting that comes with a no. But if you give in to your daughter’s manipulations, it will only increase because the behavior has been reinforced. Instead of begging, she may try to sweet talk you into something. Or she may try to pressure you. I always felt uncomfortable when my kids would ask to have a friend over when the friend was standing right there. I felt pressured to say yes so I didn’t hurt the friend’s feelings. So I pulled out a rule that served my mom and grandma well. If you ask in front of the person, then the answer is an automatic no. My kids know to pull me aside to ask in private. It is one way we have stopped the manipulation.
When she wants to grow up too fast. One time you absolutely must say no to your daughter is when she wants to do something that she is not ready for. Maybe the issue is makeup in elementary school or dating in middle school. Or maybe the issue is curfews or sleeping over. No matter what the issue, you as her mom have to make some judgment calls. Sometimes you will have to say no for her own good. She will get mad at you and declare herself old enough to do whatever it is she wants, but temper tantrums just prove you made the right decision. Yes, there comes a time to cut the apron strings and let her make decisions on her own. Just make sure she is ready for that freedom before you go grabbing the scissors.
Saying no to your daughter may not be fun, but God never said our job as parents was to have fun. He said it was to train up our child the way she should go. And that means setting limits and boundaries. Please mammas, think today about the areas you need to say more nos in.
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