My husband loves basketball. Some of his favorite childhood memories center around an old rusty hoop and a weathered ball. Since he lived out in the country, though, he rarely had anyone to shoot around with. I think that is why he agreed to have children—so he would have someone to shoot hoops with!
When he poured the concrete for our basketball court and set the goal in place, he had grand dreams of hours spent passing on his love of basketball to two eager and receptive children.
The reality has not matched up to the fiction. Our daughter has totally pushed basketball aside for volleyball and softball. Our son likes basketball ok, but he would rather play video games.
So my husband made a vow. I could almost see him holding three fingers in the air like in the Boy Scout pledge. He vowed that if the kids ever ask him to play basketball with them that he will NEVER say NO. Never.
Not even when he stayed up all night laying out a magazine and just wants to catch some Z’s before his meeting. Never.
Not even when he comes home from work and just wants a few minutes to surf Facebook before dinner. Never.
Not even when it is 30 degrees outside and the fireplace is crackling invitingly inside. Never.
His commitment to never say no to a request for basketball got me to thinking about how we as moms need to never say no to certain requests from our daughter.
Saying no has become second nature.
No, you can’t play Barbies in the middle of the street.
No, you can’t bring 25 friends to the amusement park with us.
No, you can’t drop out of school because you “just aren’t a morning person.”
With all the nos we say during the day, it is time to inject a few unconditional yeses into our conversation.
So mammas, raise those three fingers in a salute and vow with me to never say no when your daughter asks you to…
Brush her hair. I know there are tangles. I know you are in a hurry. I know she can brush it herself. But sometimes she doesn’t want you to brush her hair because she needs you to but because she wants that loving touch from her mother. She wants to talk about things as you coax those tangles away. All too soon she will stop asking for your help, and you will regret times you didn’t drop what you were doing to brush those locks.
Give advice on friendships. I know the story about her friend who said something bad about her to another friend and was overheard by a cousin of the girl who sits at the same table as her lab partner in science may be a bit hard to follow. And I know she needs to learn to navigate friendships on her own. But she is asking your advice because she is unsure how to navigate friendships successfully at this stage of her life. She wants to know what you think because she is still making up her mind about what she should think. No, she won’t always take your advice. In fact, she may rarely take your advice. But at least she has considered an opinion other than her own. She has learned to look at issues from different perspectives. And most important of all, she has shared her life with you.
Spend time together. Laundry needs folded and supper needs fixed. Groceries need bought and pets need walked. The chores that need your attention will never end, but they will wait. If your preteen or teenage daughter asks you to spend time with her, do it. Drop what you are doing and hang out together. She wouldn’t ask if she didn’t need you. The laundry will be there later when she is on the phone with her friends. The pet can get an extra long walk tomorrow. Your daughter needs you now, so please don’t tell her no.
Give her a hug. I remember the day my daughter came home from a particularly trying day at school. One look told me something was amiss. She came over to me and said, “I need a hug.” I could have been doing brain surgery and I would have stopped to wrap my arms around that sweet child. Sometimes daughters just need to know there is a place in this mean, rotten world that is warm and safe. Mammas, you can be that place for your daughters.
Talk about boys. Some daughters are going to be less forthcoming with information when it concerns boys they may have crushes on. But if your daughter wants to talk about boys, you better listen up. She is forming her opinions about the types of boys she wants to spend time with. She is wondering if she is pretty enough or interesting enough to attract the attention of the opposite sex. She needs her mamma to walk with her through these questions in a nonjudgmental way. If you know a particular boy is not worth her time, don’t tell her that. Instead ask her what she finds interesting about him. Well-crafted questions will help her figure out herself that he isn’t right for her.
There you have it—five times to NEVER say no to your daughter. What other times can you think of? Let me know in the comments below.
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